EMPTY NESTS IN DARJEELING

An empty nest denotes a household where all the children have moved out for various reasons such as further studies, employment, settling in a different city, or maybe wanting to begin adulthood independent of one’s parents (Bouchard, 2014). The term ‘Empty Nest’ is often accompanied by the term ‘syndrome’, hence making it a psychological state that is often defined as a long-lasting maladaptive response exhibited by parents when their children move out and the parents find themselves alone in the house (Raup & Myer, 1989). The term ‘syndrome’ may make it seem like a psychiatric disorder; however, it is not recognized as a psychiatric disorder but is viewed as a transition in life that many people with children might eventually go through (Moscucci, 1999).

The experience of ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ can be particularly impactful for mothers, as they often play a primary role in caregiving and family life. When children leave home, many mothers experience a profound sense of loss and emptiness, as their daily routines and identity may have been closely tied to their role as parents. Mothers who experience ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ may feel a loss of purpose, leading to symptoms such as sadness, loneliness, and even depression. Research by Evenson and Simon (2005) found that women who identified strongly with their parental role were more likely to experience depressive symptoms after their children left home. This is especially true for mothers who had limited external social or professional engagements outside of their parenting role (Mitchell & Lovegreen, 2009).

As children leave home for college or job opportunities, parents may experience sadness, loneliness, and a sense of lost purpose; emotions often associated with ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ (Mansoor & Hasan, 2019).

I first encountered the concept of the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ during my undergraduate studies in Psychology, particularly through Erik Erikson’s theory of ‘Psychosocial Development’. According to Erikson, the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ often aligns with the seventh stage of his ‘Psychosocial Development’, which typically occurs between the ages of 40 and 65. This stage known as ‘Generativity versus Stagnation’ involves individuals assessing their life’s purpose and their contributions to society (Malone et al., 2016). Achieving ‘Generativity’ or success in this stage is characterized by engaging in meaningful activities within the family and community alongside fostering the next generation’s development. Conversely, ‘Stagnation’ occurs when individuals struggle to find purpose, leading to feelings of isolation, unproductiveness, and disconnection from society. As children leave home for college or job opportunities, parents may experience sadness, loneliness, and a sense of lost purpose; emotions often associated with ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ (Mansoor & Hasan, 2019).

According to Erikson, the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ often aligns with the seventh stage of his ‘Psychosocial Development’, which typically occurs between the ages of 40 and 65. This stage known as ‘Generativity versus Stagnation’ involves individuals assessing their life’s purpose and their contributions to society (Malone et al., 2016).

Research shows that ‘Generative’ adults tend to exhibit several positive traits, such as a strong cultural understanding and the ability to adapt well to life (Peterson and Duncan, 2007). When analyzed through the Big Five personality traits, both ‘Generative’ men and women score high in conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and openness to new experiences, while scoring low in neuroticism (Peterson, Smirles, & Wentworth, 1997). Women who scored high in ‘Generativity’ at age 52 were found to have more positive personality traits, such as greater satisfaction with their marriages and roles as mothers, and a higher likelihood of aging successfully by age 62 (Peterson & Duncan, 2007). Similarly, men with higher levels of ‘Generativity’ in midlife demonstrated better cognitive abilities, including memory, attention, and problem-solving, along with lower depression rates later in life (Malone et al., 2016).

In small towns like Darjeeling, this phenomenon is particularly pronounced as many students move to other states for higher education or better career prospects...This period often forces a re-evaluation of purpose and identity, as a child's absence highlights the balance between one’s parental role and personal self.

In small towns like Darjeeling, this phenomenon is particularly pronounced as many students move to other states for higher education or better career prospects. This migration creates a significant shift in the daily dynamics of their families, who are accustomed to having their children at home. The transition from a household centred around the constant needs of a child to one where the child is absent can create a profound change. This shift raises intriguing questions about how this new phase affects parents' self-identity and parental identity. I was particularly interested in whether parents question their sense of self with their primary caregiving role diminished or if they continue to view themselves in the same way as before. This period often forces a re-evaluation of purpose and identity, as the absence of a child highlights the balance between one’s parental role and personal self. Understanding how parents navigate this transition is crucial for supporting their emotional well-being and helping them adjust to this significant life change. To gain a better understanding of the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’, I interviewed five mothers whose children had left Darjeeling town for higher studies.

To better understand the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’, I interviewed five mothers whose children had left Darjeeling town for higher studies.

Dil Maya Thapa

“It is strange, you have all this time to yourself but all you can think about is the time when your children were small and needed you for everything.”

For Dil Maya Thapa, a mother of two, her life had always revolved around her children. Having moved from Nepal to Darjeeling due to her husband’s work in the Indian Army, she was accustomed to constant change. However, no amount of moving around had prepared her for the emotional upheaval that followed when her daughter left for college. “Everyday, I would wake up early to get them ready for school, and then wait for them to return home. My daily routine revolved around getting my daughter and son ready for school.” She shared that her routine had a rhythm but after her daughter left, her daily routine was disrupted in a big way, which felt deeply bittersweet. Thankfully, her son was still at home providing some comfort, and over time she got accustomed to her daughter's absence.

What greatly helped her cope was the support of a close friend, who was experiencing the same emotional transition... Through their shared experiences, they discovered new freedoms, even though those freedoms were accompanied by the pain of separation.

What greatly helped her cope was the support of a close friend, who was experiencing the same emotional transition. This friend’s only daughter had also left for Bangalore to pursue higher studies, and she struggled to adjust to the empty home. Dil Maya recounted, “In the beginning, she lost her appetite and was very sad. I consoled her and eventually she got used to it, just as I had.” Together, the two friends planned picnics, dinners, and outings; activities that had been impossible when their children were younger and more dependent on them. Through these shared experiences, they discovered new freedoms, even though those freedoms were accompanied by the pain of separation. Dil Maya Thapa reflected, “It is strange, you have all this time to yourself but all you can think about is the time when your children were small and needed you for everything.”

Pema Lepcha

“It was very difficult. I was used to talking to them every day, but suddenly, I could only call them once in a while.”

Pema Lepcha, who experienced the sudden departure of her twins, faced a particularly intense emotional challenge. Both her son and daughter left for college simultaneously, and the university they attended had strict rules about phone calls. This limited their communication, making the transition even harder. “It was very difficult. I was used to talking to them every day, but suddenly, I could only call them once in a while.” A naturally spiritual person, she turned even more towards her faith during this time. She made a personal vow to her guru to bow her head 1 lakh and ten thousand times as a form of devotion and prayer, seeking solace in her spirituality.

The physical absence of her children was balanced by the emotional closeness she rediscovered with her spouse. This proves that the ‘Empty Nest’ phase doesn’t only signify loss, it can also be a time for rekindling relationships that might have been overshadowed by years of child-rearing.

But spirituality was not her only lifeline, her husband played an important role in helping her cope. “Jigmee and Yangchen’s father understood what I was going through, usually husbands aren’t attentive like that.” She added, “We started spending more time together after the kids left. We started going out for walks and watched movies.” This newfound companionship with her husband was a source of comfort, helping her adjust to the sudden quietness of her home. The physical absence of her children was balanced by the emotional closeness she rediscovered with her spouse. This proves that the ‘Empty Nest’ phase doesn’t only signify loss, it can also be a time for rekindling relationships that might have been overshadowed by years of child-rearing.

Mamta Sundas and Utama Sundas

“Festivals are the hardest time. We used to celebrate them with our kids, but now, it’s just not the same. But we know they’ll come back during holidays, so that gives us something to look forward to".

For sisters, Mamta Sundas and Utama Sundas, the experience of their children leaving home was softened by their close relationship with each other. Both women were navigating the same stage of life, as their children left for college within a few years of each other. They leaned on each other for support and companionship, often talking about how much they missed their children, especially during festivals. Mamta said, “Festivals are the hardest time. We used to celebrate them with our kids, but now, it’s just not the same. But we know they’ll come back during holidays, so that gives us something to look forward to.” She added, “I still end up crying when I have to leave my daughter.”

The two women often find comfort in the knowledge that their children are gaining the skills needed to succeed in life. Their shared experiences not only brought them closer together as siblings but also helped them adjust to the changes in their households.

The sisters discovered that while they missed their children, they also took pride in their independence. Utama shared “Knowing that my daughter is safe and growing into her own person helps a lot.” The two women often remind each other of this, finding comfort in the knowledge that their children are gaining the skills needed to succeed in life. Their shared experiences not only brought them closer together as siblings but also helped them adjust to the changes in their households. Mamta shared, “It’s a different kind of life, but we’re learning to embrace it.”

Bimla Rai

“As a woman, I didn’t have much freedom when I was young, and I also had to look after my brothers and sisters. But I want my daughter to be strong and independent.”

 Bimla Rai, a businesswoman who runs her shop, approached the ‘Empty Nest’ experience with a practical mindset. When her daughter left for Bangalore to pursue her studies, she missed her deeply, especially during household chores and festivals. However, her work kept her busy, which helped her compartmentalize her emotions. “At the shop, I can’t let my sadness show.” She explained, “I have to be cheerful for my customers, no matter what I feel on the inside.”

Her practical outlook extended to her son, who she knew would also eventually leave home for higher studies. “I’ve made peace with it. I know that loneliness will come, but I can’t let myself get too sentimental. This is part of life.”

Despite longing for her daughter’s presence, Bimla took pride in the fact that her child was becoming independent. “As a woman, I didn’t have much freedom when I was young, and I also had to look after my brothers and sisters. But I want my daughter to be strong and independent.” Her practical outlook extended to her son, who she knew would also eventually leave home for higher studies. “I’ve made peace with it. I know that loneliness will come, but I can’t let myself get too sentimental. This is part of life.”

Conclusion

At first, the loss of their children caused them to experience emotional turmoil. Gradually, it also presented chances for introspection, personal development, and even re-establishing relationships with friends, family, and spouses.

Although the mothers experienced the ‘Empty Nest’ phase differently, they were intertwined in their perseverance, friendship, and desire for their kids to be independent. At first, the loss of their children caused them to experience emotional turmoil. Gradually, it also presented chances for introspection, personal development, and even re-establishing relationships with friends, family, and spouses.

One of the interesting discoveries I made while speaking with these women, was how their identity as a mother remained unwavering. None of them mentioned grappling with the questions of who they were before having children, nor did they express doubts about their self-identity. Being a mother was something they saw as permanent, transcending the stages their children moved through. For them, motherhood emerged as a deeply rooted identity. It was more concrete than I had anticipated, something they embraced fully, regardless of whether their children were physically present or absent. This steadfast sense of identity as a mother highlighted how profound and enduring this role shapes a person’s self-concept.

Being a mother was something they saw as permanent, transcending the stages their children moved through... This steadfast sense of identity as a mother highlighted how profound and enduring this role shapes a person’s self-concept.

 In many ways, these mothers discovered that their roles had changed but not disappeared. Even though their children were no longer physically present, the sense of responsibility remained in different forms. For Dil Maya, it was about finding joy in her friendship and the freedom that came with it. For Pema Lepcha, it was about deepening her spirituality and finding strength in her marriage. For Mamta and Utama, it was the companionship and emotional support they found in each other. And for Bimla, it was about embracing her children’s independence while maintaining her sense of purpose. Ultimately, what helped these women cope was the knowledge that their children were becoming capable, self-sufficient adults. Whether it was Dil Maya watching her daughter explore the world beyond Darjeeling, Pema Lepcha taking pride in her twins’ resilience, or Bimla encouraging her daughter to be the independent woman she couldn’t be. All of these women found comfort in the thought that their children were learning to navigate life on their own.

These five stories from Darjeeling offer a deeply emotional and poignant glimpse into the reality of motherhood when the nest becomes empty. While the absence of their children brought feelings of loss and loneliness, these mothers also found a new strength within themselves. They learned that letting go does not mean losing their children, but rather, watching them grow into the independent individuals they had always hoped they would become. Through strength, companionship, and love, these women underwent an emotionally overwhelming experience with resilience.

These five stories from Darjeeling offer a deeply emotional and poignant glimpse into the reality of motherhood when the nest becomes empty...Although the mothers experienced the ‘Empty Nest’ phase differently, they were intertwined in their perseverance, friendship, and desire for their kids to be independent.